


Late Dawns and Early Sunsets

by farewellmonroeville



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Anxiety, Coming of Age, Depression, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Frerard, Gay, Homophobic Language, Hospitalization, M/M, Medication, Other, RPF, Self-Harm, Suicide, mcrfanfic, mental health, panic disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26135011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farewellmonroeville/pseuds/farewellmonroeville
Summary: Frank arrives at yet another inpatient facility, only this time it's involuntary. Wanting to make more of himself and simultaneously disappear altogether, Frank struggles with the acerbic reality of young adulthood and what it means to be alive. Will a chance encounter be enough to save him before he's fallen too far?
Relationships: Frank Iero & Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, frerard - Relationship
Comments: 13
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> BACKGROUND INFORMATION
> 
> Hello, Reader.
> 
> From 2013-2014 my struggle with depression (MDD) and panic disorder had taken a severe turn for the worst. This story initially began as a personal recounting of my darkest days and the time I spent within inpatient facilities and hospitals, trying to grasp any semblance of normalcy, apply meaning to my life and find a reason to stay. I am still unsure of how this story has managed to morph into what it is now, but I'm pleased with the direction it has taken. I would like to continue to intertwine vignettes of some of the realities and hardships I had faced during that time in my life with a captivating story all its own. I hope we can enjoy this ride together.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> xoLyd
> 
> CONTENT WARNINGS
> 
> This story contains subject matters that some readers may find inappropriate, triggering, offensive or disturbing. The subject materials in question will be listed in the additional tags. Please note that the tags may be updated as the story goes on. Remember to check back and read on in caution.
> 
> As always, your mental-health comes first. Please take care of yourself.

**ARRIVAL**

After what seemed like an eternity, we finally took an exit off the highway. I counted the stoplights as we floated past them. I got to three before we rounded a corner, exposing a large and well-kept campus. The glaring sun threatened to blind me as I attempted to take in the surroundings. A winding dirt path led to a pond off of the visitor parking lot. A rose garden flaunted its spring bloom, a confetti of pink, yellow, white, and red dotted the west wing of the building. The building itself appeared to be quite modern. More so than the previous facility and the ones before that.

The juxtaposition of the surroundings and myself were laughably obvious. The cloudless azure sky, like the face of perfection, blemish-free and beautiful. The lush green of the lawn and surrounding pines, crisp, pristine, lively. And then there was me. Aside from the permanent faint violet of the skin beneath my eyes, I was pallid. My wild black hair hung, overgrown and limp, over my eyes like a curtain that separated me from nature's magnificence. The oversized sweater and jeans that adorned my body, both black and worn tired, did me no favors. Their faded appearance and the ripped knees exposing freshly scabbed flesh only confirmed the events of the seemingly endless evening prior. The grime of that ugly night clung to my body.

-  


_My shoes hitting pavement, over and over again, in the glow of orange streetlights. The moon, mocking me overhead. The sticky heat of an early New Jersey summer, greeting me at the water's edge. The sound of my own heart, faint yet overwhelming all else in the night, pounding, pounding, pounding..._

-

My eyes flew open in an attempt to stop the images flashing over and over again in my mind. I stared at the textured white walls surrounding me. The sterile silver instruments that hung from the walls glimmered as the wheels below us grazed gravel. The crunching came to a halt and I heard the engine die away as the driver cut the ignition. A few moments later the door slid open and I was greeted by the kind and solemn face of the woman who was seated at the passenger-seat.

"Here we are, kiddo. You ready?" she asked as the male driver met us in the doorway of the vehicle. He offered me his hand and I took it, hopping down and steadying myself with his assistance. My lack of sleep and the emotionally draining events leading up to now, catching up to me once more.

"I guess so," I replied.

The three of us started towards an entrance on the side of the building, the woman on my left, the man, holding my arm above the elbow, on my right.

"This is one of the best facilities around. I know you can do this," the woman said, her lips forming a small, reassuring smile as she peered over at me.

A corner of my mouth pulled, scrunching my face into a look of uncertainty. I had been in many similar situations before. This is my third since January alone and April isn't even over yet. They more or less ended the same way, though. Or rather, they all looped back. An eternal cycle. I considered a verbal response but I'm terrible at lying and my Type A personality hated to let people down, so I refrained.

We entered the first set of doors, heavy and wooden, to face another set. Metal this time, with small rectangular windows above the handles placed near the middle, where the two met. A flashing red light in the corner blinked, a camera I assumed. I heard the click of a lock and then the light flashed green followed by another click. The man reached out with his right hand, opening the metal door in front of us.

"I don't ever want to see you under these circumstances again. You hear me?" The man stated, sounding firm but not harsh.

This is the first time he has spoken since we had departed just over an hour ago. Even then his comments were aimed at his partner. My eyes met his and I nodded. His features were solid and serious but there was a warmth in his eyes that conveyed sadness and worry over the whole situation. I felt my stomach drop a little further, upset with myself for causing problem after problem for everyone else around me.

"I know, Ty." I responded in a small voice, my eyes falling to the ground.

I was directed to take a seat in the waiting room. Through the window behind the receptionist, women in white coats paced around. Some holding manila folders, others entering things into the computers at desks. I redirected my gaze down to my hands, palms facing one another, laying in my lap. I curled my fingers in, inspecting the chipped black polish and faint rust colored stains collecting beneath my nails. A wave of embarrassment and disgust washed over me. I placed my hands on my knees and exhaled deeply.

I stood up when they called my name and followed one of the white-coated women. The man and woman I had arrived with stood as well, waiting until I got through the doors. I turned and gave them a small wave, a gesture of my appreciation that I know will never be enough. The woman returned my wave and Ty nodded before making their way back to the ambulance parked outside.


	2. Chapter 2

**AT FIRST GLANCE**

"What's your name, sweetheart?" the white coat asked. Her eyes darted at me over her glasses, the bridge of which were perched on the tip of her nose, before bouncing back to the monitor that sat before her. Her name tag read Sandra Meyers, RN.

"It's Frank," I stated. "Frank Iero."

"Spell your last name for me, hun," she prompted. Her voice had the bubblegum smacking drone of a diner waitress. She reminded me of the countless kind faces I had spent many late nights with while seated alone in quiet booths at the run-down 24-hour spots that littered the boardwalk. The nameless were accompanied only by the sounds of drunk tourists who poured out of the cheap nightclubs, the giggling girls who stumbled their way towards their Ubers, half-filled notebooks, crumpled receipts, borrowed pens, stained coffee mugs, free refills, used up sugar packets, empty single use creamers, band aids, box cutters...

I blinked hard, willing the memories to disappear, then complied. Each letter I spoke followed by the tapping of her crimson acrylics on the plastic of the keyboard. Another white-coat entered the room and remained stood by the door taking notes, her lips pressed together in concentration, forming a thin line. She did not have a name tag, nor did she speak.

After providing Sandra with the rest of my general information, the other white-coat left the room. As Sandra proceeded to take my vitals my eyes came to rest on my sneakers. The worn out hi-tops were flecked with bleach from my closing shifts at the bar. The laces were blackened by dirt. The newest additions had come nearly a month prior, in the form of blood, crusted and staining the once white rubber toe and soles. I sucked the air in through my nostrils and shut my eyes.

_How the hell did I wind up here?_

I heard the door knob rattle as Sandra finished up. The other woman had returned, carrying a pair of navy blue pants, hospital scrubs by the look of them, a plain, heather-gray t-shirt, and a pair of navy hospital tube socks with grips on the bottoms.

I focused my attention on the white-coat, studying her appearance. She looked to be younger than Sandra, closer to my own age. Her hair, a wild nest, was thoughtlessly piled at the top of her head. She wore large glasses, the thick plastic frames competing with her wide, almond eyes. The olive complexion of her face was clear of any blemishes and the fullness of her bottom lip made her sport a permanent pout. The gauntness of her cheekbones seemed to contradict the rest of her, giving her an overall air of melancholy. She looked as though her diet consisted solely of coffee, like she could benefit from a months worth of sleep. 

"All mediums. You boys tend to want things a little roomier. Hope that works..." said Sandra as she took the pile from the woman and handed it to me. The other woman left the room once more. I hoped I’d be seeing her again.

"If you prefer smalls, you let me know. Alrighty! Remove everything but your undergarments, my sweet. Any jewelry- "

I felt my mouth open as I started to ask her about my nose ring.

"Any dangling jewelry: bracelets, necklaces, rings - body jewelry can stay in dear," she clarified then continued on "Sneakers, hair ties, everything else comes off, then change into these. Once we get you all settled, you can phone someone to bring in your own clothes that match regulation. Okay, hun?"

"Okay," I stated, nodding my head in understanding. I removed my shoes and socks then undressed, replacing every article with their clinical counterpart. Sandra remained in the room, turning away to give me as much privacy as she was allowed to.

I had gotten so familiar with inpatient protocol that this did not phase me. I was indifferent to the constant need to expose myself, both physically and emotionally, in the sterile lights to medical professionals. The objective manner in which doctors and nurses alike had observed my thoughts and behavior only allowed me to continue reinforcing the armor I had so painstakingly built.

Once fully dressed, I folded my sweater and jeans then placed my shoes on top of the stack. As I shoved my socks inside one of my sneakers, Sandra handed me a bag for my belongings.

"We'll hold on to these and the rest of your things, your phone, keys... anything else that was transported with you, until you're discharged. Which'll be in no time," she said, winking at me.

I offered a meek smile and thanked Ms. Sandra.

"Call me Sandy, darlin'" she clarified, smiling back at me. "Now let's get you situated and then we can introduce you to the group" she said, motioning me to follow her out of the room, down a hall and then through another set of doors.

The doors opened up into a large room. On the wall opposite us was an impressive desk that housed two nurses. One administering medication in a small white paper cup to a patient, the other typing on a computer while simultaneously cradling a landline phone between her cheek and her shoulder. Behind them was a large window with blinds that appeared to be an office where more staff walked in and out of view. On either side of the wall were two hallways.

"That there is the nurse's station where the nurses on duty can be found," Sandy stated, as she pointed at the large desk. "The hall on the left of the station is where all our female patients are boarded, and here on the right is where the male rooms are." Sandra explained as she steered us towards the right hall.

There were four vacant long tables in front of the nurse's station. In the back-right corner behind me was what appeared to be a den. Two large flat-screen TVs were mounted high on the walls. Beneath the flat-screens three men were huddled, watching intently while having what sounded like a heated discussion amongst themselves. In the back-left corner were smaller tables accompanied by short bookshelves that held worn looking paperbacks and some board games. There was a table of patients playing a card game, a couple onlookers stood by laughing, their voices raised. Two women were sat at another table, paper and other various art materials spread out between them as they gossiped. They seemed unaware of their busy fingers. I watched as they paused their conversation momentarily, their eyes following me. As I passed, their voices, hushed and hurried now, continued on. There were armchairs lining the left wall where a lone patient sat, cross-legged in his seat, reading a book. I let my eyes linger on him as we continued on.

Over the hospital issued uniform the patient wore a plain black hoodie that was easily two sizes too big. The hoodie was zipped three-quarters of the way up and the sleeves were pushed above the elbow, exposing his arms. I noticed that the drawstring from the hood that was pulled up, shrouding his face, was missing. The only thing visible from the hood was the pale tip of a perfectly straight, pointed nose. As Sandy walked past the patient, he glanced up from his book, revealing his face. His head turned from Sandy to face me, an expression of curiosity painted across it. His green eyes met mine and for a moment I found it impossible to look anywhere else. 

_Like even if I did, my entire world would come crashing down around me. A film-reel played in my mind, the building walls crumbling and cascading towards the ground to expose the sky and fade to black._

He blinked and suddenly it felt like life began to fast-forward, catching up for the seconds I had missed.

I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, like embers catching flame once more.


	3. Chapter 3

**GIRLS**

I quickly turned my attention back to the nurse, letting the deluge of embarrassment wash me away from the humiliating scene.

_His face_

The words I was looking for failed to materialize in my mind. I pictured the structure of his jawline, the hard contour of his cheekbones, his eyes… As I attempted to conjure up the perfect description, I was suddenly taken aback by my own feelings and the reaction I was having to the patient. He was handsome, sure. But even more than handsome, he looked as though he were carved from marble by the steadiest hand of the world's greatest artist. He was classically and undeniably beautiful. Any person would be foolish to argue against the fact. But there were so many beautiful people in the world. Friends, acquaintances, strangers even in my life - so many others who emitted the same beguiling air. Why was I so stricken by him in particular?

The unfamiliar emotion began to eat away at me and my curiosity quickly shifted to frustration. I pondered over my feelings. I had queer friends and been exposed to their relationships but I never felt I could relate to the way they loved on a romantic level. It had never bothered me, I was just happy that my friends were happy. I had never questioned my gender identity nor my sexual preferences because I never felt the need to. I had always just been Frank. I didn't care for gendered terms or roles. If I wanted to do something, I did it. If I wanted to wear something, I wore it. This code of conduct was how I lived every applicable portion of my life. Why did it matter now? I thought back to my relationships. Every person I had been drawn to in the past and whom I had had relationships with identified themselves as female. As I considered this though I came to the realization that all the relationships I had been in were never ones I had actively pursued. The only time I could recall wanting to be with a girl was when I was in primary school.

Lainey and I were given assigned seats next to each other in Ms. Lowry’s second-grade class. She was sweet and bubbly and to this day, she has no idea that I had loved her with all the magic, wonder, and ferocity that the heart of a seven year old could muster. It happened during a rousing game of Vampire Tag, when I had managed to trip over my own feet, causing me to fall and skin my knee on the playground. My eyes welled up with tears from the sting of the asphalt. I watched as the rest of my classmates ran past me. Lainey was the only one to turn around.

“Come on, Frankie!” she called out, breathing out an exasperated eruption of giggles as she reached out her small hand towards my own. I took her hand in mine but the tears betrayed me, escaping my eyes and trickling down my face. Lainey knelt down before me, her features softening at the sight of my tears. She placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. My first kiss. As she pulled away she told me that whenever she cried her mother would console her with a kiss and that the action had always made her problems melt away. I couldn’t help but smile. To be fully candid, the memory still makes me smile. As I stood up, I pulled her with me and we ran together, hand in hand.

-

_“Let’s go,”  
“Which way?” she screeched, a mile-wide smile on her face.  
“I don’t know, but they're coming towards us!”  
“I’ll never let them hurt you, I promise!”_

-

When the school year ended, Lainey moved away and I experienced my first heartbreak. The summer days that followed were long but when the dog days had passed, so did my feelings for Lainey. Such is the fleeting nature of young love, I suppose.

By the time high school had come around, other girls had started to take notice of me. Girls who wanted to rebel against their parents, girls who lowered their standards from the shiny athletes, girls who wanted to save me. I ended up in a handful of relationships during that time but I never took them too seriously. The girls were kind and pretty but aside from the change and occasional drama they had brought into my dull life, I was indifferent at best.

**“There’s no fucking way, you cheating asshole! I want a fucking rematch!”**

I jerked my head around. The angry screams and loud argument that followed, coming from the table of patients playing cards, had pulled me back from my thoughts. The sound of sliding furniture on the ground prompted a pair of larger men to emerge from behind the nurses station. I took the opportunity to glance back at the patient. He had gone back to reading, seemingly unfazed by the commotion that was occurring merely feet away from him. I turned back around, my eyes unfocusing, as I continued walking on.

Was I grappling with feelings of envy? It would be more than understandable. I thought about how I constantly ridiculed my own physical appearance. How I willed my face to look a certain way, how I always wanted more muscle, how I wished I was taller. How I wanted all these shallow aspects of myself to be different, better, and yet here he was, unfairly perfect. I cringed at the idea of being jealous, it was such an ugly emotion.

_Why would you hide a face like that behind a hood? God. I bet he gets all the girls in a place like this._

I was definitely jealous. I scoffed at the thought.   
  
_A. Place. Like. This. As if anyone would want a person who has been in a place like this... Why would he be in a place like –_

My face collided into Sandy's shoulder blade as she came to an abrupt stop in front of a door. The run-in awoke the stinging pain in my own cheekbone from an injury I had completely forgotten had occurred the night before. My hand flew to my cheek as I winced in pain.


	4. Chapter 4

**REPULSE**

"Oh, Hun! You okay? Didn't mean to stop short!"

"Shit. Sorry, Ms. Sandy" I apologized as I gently pressed my fingertips to my cheek. I felt my face deepen to a maroon from the scarlet red I was sure it had been only a couple minutes before.

"You're okay, sweetheart. I know there's a lot to adjust to," she said as she unlocked the door. "So here's where you'll be staying..."

The room was surprisingly spacious. Much larger than any others I had stayed in at least. I looked around. There were shelves built into one wall, a sink with enough counter space for the essentials, a small desk sat facing a window, in the corner of the room was an open door, revealing a shower-head and toilet in a room no bigger than a closet. A black, flat rectangle, set high above the door frame, indicated the time in neon red digital numbers using the 24-hour military format. On the ceiling in the center of the room protruded a black dome, housing a camera. A pillow, sheets and a blanket were stacked neatly on the bed. The only bed. I glanced around the room again.

"There's a small bag with some toiletries on one of those shelves. If you need more toothpaste or another comb or anything just holler. There should also be another set of clothes, y'know, the pants, shirt, sock combo we give you, on the shelves as well. Just place any dirty clothes outside of your door in that paper bag over there before bed and they'll be waiting for you, fresh and laundered, in the morning. There's also a set of sheets and a pillow for you on the bed. It can get kinda chilly in here so feel free to request another blanket if you need one. What else..."

"Do I have a roommate?" I asked.

"Oh no, dear. This facility is for long-term inpatient care, we want you to be comfortable and have your own space to decompress if you need to. Patients are not allowed in each other's rooms but we do have plenty of space and activities in the front room where you can socialize with one another. You can expect some of the hospital staff to stop by your room from time to time though, if they don't catch you out front that is."

I nodded slowly. The privacy was a huge perk and I silently reveled in the fact that I would not have to trudge down a hall, dripping wet and cold, from a communal shower to a shared room. I hadn't realized I would be here for the long haul, though. Not that I had a choice or say in the matter anyway.

I recounted all the times I had fucked up before now, recalling how after my first incident I was told I could return home that same day unless I was still feeling low and would like to stay an extra day or two. I downed two bottles of the cherry-flavored Charcodote the nurse had given me through a straw while lying in a hospital bed. I was on my merry way not even five hours later, on the promise that this was a one-time thing. A fluke of sorts. After the second and third incidents, I was offered the same two options: I could go home after the mandatory window of time I was required to remain at the hospital, so my wounds or behavior or whatever other mess I had gotten myself into could be closely monitored, so long as I would provide proof that I was continuing to attend meetings with both my therapist and psychiatrist. Or I could stay a few days longer to receive treatment at their inpatient facility. I went home both times but stuck to my word, which was really more of a legal agreement, and attended weekly meetings with my therapist and met my psychiatrist at each scheduled visit. The options were the same the fourth time around, but the doctors disclosed that if I chose to forego the treatment they would provide me with a court order to be hospitalized. I know from a legal aspect they're supposed to tell me that, but I appreciated their honesty nonetheless. I agreed to the treatment. Either way I was going to have to go. This last time, though, I was not provided an option, faux or otherwise. I was told flat out that I would be enrolled at an inpatient program. There was no further discussion to be had.

At least I had my own room.

"Well, I think that's everything, lovey." Sandy stated, interrupting my thoughts. "I'll leave you for a little to get settled. In about 20 minutes I'll meet you back here and we can head to the front room together so I can introduce you to everyone and you can attend your first group. Holler if you need me," Sandy winked again, flashing her warm smile one more time before turning around and disappearing behind the door. I stared after her for a moment then turned back to the room. My room.

I made my bed and unwrapped my toothbrush and toothpaste, throwing the trash in the unlined plastic bin. I approached the sink and studied my face in the warped, metal mirror above the faucet as I brushed my teeth. I looked more or less how I always looked. My hair was unkempt, as usual, but slightly longer and a little more out of control than my every day. The large, hazel eyes that stared back at me noted the familiar, lifeless reflection I had come to expect. The remnants of the black kohl liner that had not managed to fade away during the hell that transpired the couple days before had smudged under my eyes, blending in with the dark purple circles. This, though, was also pretty typical. I inspected my cheek, remembering the ache and noticing it was starting to turn colors. Not from my clumsy run-in with Sandy but rather when I was swiftly turned and slammed against the hood of a cop car during my arrest. The bruise took up the majority of the left side of my face, running along the bottom of my cheek up towards my temple, hugging the outer contour of my eye. The color was shifting from indigo to midnight blue, a subtle change that would have been impossible to notice had one not been purposely paying attention to the bruise. I pressed my finger to the mark, watching the color drain then fade back in like a rainbow. My eyes winced, acknowledging the tenderness of the skin. The officer’s face, vivid in my memory.

_Asshole._

I rinsed my mouth of the toothpaste, splashed some cold water on my face, wiped away what I could of the remaining liner and attempted to rake my fingers through my mess of hair. Disappointed in my unsuccessful efforts, I accepted defeat. I backed away from the mirror, realizing for the first time how much smaller I looked, how fragile my frame appeared in the hospital issued garb. I lifted my shirt to survey how much noticeable weight I had lost in my midsection. My findings were not reassuring.

_Fuck. The others are gonna wipe the goddamn floor with me._

My inner demons seemed to have finally caught up to match my physical appearance. The panic started to set in as I thought about the group of strangers I was about to meet. The staff had physical, tangible running records of the things I had done. They knew what to expect and they were not at liberty to hold those things against me. But the others? I felt the pace of my breath quicken then hitch in my throat as the thoughts echoed in my head. How they would pick me apart. How they would judge me ruthlessly. How they would laugh and sneer at my flaws and my weaknesses. I inhaled deeply then, counting in my mind in an attempt to regulate my breathing. I tried to drown out the thoughts but could not help but to focus in on the faintest voice as it pleaded over and over again:

_Please don't let him be repulsed by me  
  
  
  
_

_  
  
  
  
_

A soft knock on the door pulled me back to reality. I took one final glance at my reflection then turned to make my way to the door.


End file.
